soy estudiante!!!

Today was my first day of Spanish class in Malaga. Me, being the bombastic, spoiled New Yorker that I was, I walked into the campus with an immense chip on my shoulder and a gait that gave my impatience and obnoxious sense of entitlement away almost immediately. There were young people commiserating in the garden (and I mean young-like 16, 17 18, all looking like they were about to audition as extras for 90210). The kind of young people that hitchhike across country and sex each other a lot….Most were European, although there were a few American kids.

It occurred to me, pretending to be engrossed in my Ipod, listening to these kids, how spoiled and close-minded American kids are. Most of these young people came from countries that weren’t necessarily close to each other, but they were familiar with one another. All of them spoke English, no matter what their mother tongue was. I can’t name 5 17-year old American children that I know who speak more than 1 language fluently (note to self- your children are going to school in Europe).

There was an extremely awkward girl from Holland that I thought of befriending so she could take me to Amsterdam. When I saw her sneeze into her sleeve and stare at it lovingly for about 12 seconds I decided against it (note to self, trust your initial instincts).

The teachers at the school then introduced themselves and gave us a quick orientation. Then, the testing began. This was where I decided I was going to be the genius in the class. A test? Sure!! I speak Spanish, hell; I live in the Dominican Republic. Washington Heights has succeeded from the union as far back as Anthony Santos has been perming his hair.

Here I go. I walked into the testing center, smug and secure, and sat down staring right through the proctor as she explained the directions and gave me a pencil.

I looked at the paper. Everything was in Spanish. And I don’t mean conquistador slave Spanish that I am used to because of my residence, I mean real Spanish. Panic set in. So I didn’t look like a crazy person in front of the young people, I wrote in anything. Half of the answers I wrote down weren’t even Spanish. Hell, some of them weren’t even in English. I think I wrote the date in Sanskrit.

I looked around again, trying to deflect my feelings of total stupidity and insecurity. The young people were cheating. I laughed.

After the test ended, everyone gathered in the garden again (did I mention the school has a beautiful garden with a pool? Mira que nice). We were pulled out 1 by 1 and told our levels. Of course, when they called my name, I was as cool as a cucumber, until they handed me a level book that looked like Dora the Explorer’s textbook, and some Hello Kitty looking crayons. I was in Spanish kindergarten. Really???

I suppose it’s just as well. I am going to be here for 6 weeks, so I figure I start from the bottom.

After my 1^st class some of the administrators took the students on an abbreviated tour of Malaga. I learned some fun facts about Spain while on this tour:

1-Picasso was born here

2- Malaga used to be a huge fishing village, and in a lot of ways, still is

3-There are over 40 intensive language schools here, which accounts for most of the tourism, as this city is a sleepy coastal fishing town.

4- I am the only Black person in Malaga.

5-The Mediterranean is the saltiest water on earth.

6-The sun goes down around 10 pm this time of year, so it’s common for Spaniards to have dinner around 11.

7-Julio Iglesias is still the man.

8-Spain is a monarchy, complete with a royal family and all.

9-La Reyna de Espana est muy sympatica y delgada. Elle tiene pelo rubio y oyos azules.

10-Spaniards are steadfastly Catholic.

11-Spaniards would sooner give up Catholicism than meat. I don’t even think there is a Castilian word for vegan. There is so much meat.

12-No one here gives a shit about the Yankees.

13-Dominicans and Puerto Ricans don’t speak Spanish. They speak Dominican and Puerto Rican.

14-Most Spaniards have never seen a Black person up close, and they WILL STARE when you get on the bus.

15-All Latin people love flags.

16-The paella in Malaga was made by Jesus Himself.

17-Spanish children are extremely well mannered. That, or they are struck by some kind of fearful paralysis at the sight of a Black person.

18-Euopeans really love soccer. They don’t fake it every 4 years like we do.

19- Benecio Del Torro does the equivalent of Spanish Jell-O Pudding commercials.

20-Old Spanish women think Black people resemble churches, because they cross themselves every time they pass one.

Tomorrow, the class is going to a movie. Hopefully, it will be subtitled.